Greetings, and welcome to another installment of Asking The Wrong Guy!
I have been married 16 years. I fear that my wife is actually a robot alien. What is the best course of action to help her understand humans as she clearly has no grasp on reality?
Ah, the eternal question: how to deal with robot aliens. There are two basic approaches to dealing with this problem, depending on whether your wife is of the more sanguine, positronic brain Isaac Asimov-style of robot, or if she is a murderous terminator death machine.
Regarding dealing with robots of the Isaac Asimov variety, I direct you to the example of none other than Captain James T. Kirk, a master of alternately bedding and confounding with logic attractive aliens, robots, and alien robots ( it is assumed for the purposes of our discussion that when you ask how to “help her understand humans” what you are actually inquiring about is how to “have sex with her and then leave”, as you are, after all, a male).
My research on this subject, which consists solely of watching every episode of Star Trek hundreds of times over, indicates that to bed a robot alien, the first step is to obtain a set of space pajamas and a pair of calf-high zippered boots, as robot alien females, apparently, find this kind of getup irresistible. Next, engage her in a discussion about her home planet, the loneliness of space travel, and the human conventions of love and affection. Be sure that during this exchange she is filmed in soft focus.
Then, when she asks you about the nature of these unfamiliar concepts of love and affection, approach her from upstage, tenderly grasp her by the shoulders, turn her to face you, and then, ever so gently, hit on her like some kind of psychotically deranged, insanely self-entitled, wildly chauvinistic, 1960’s male troglodyte. When you are done providing instruction, which should only take two minutes or so or at least until after the commercial break, pose to her a problem of intractable logic, such as that commingling with a guy wearing space pajamas and calf-high zippered boots puts her in violation of her main programming, and simply wait until her head begins to steam. You will then be free to leave to get on with your day of signing random pieces of paper brought to you by fetching yeomans and ordering that the phasers be put on full power.
If your wife is of the murderous terminator death machine variety, probably your best bet is to demonstrate to her our human traditions of fleeing in panic and hiding. However, since you have been married for 16 years, you are probably already well acquainted with this strategy.
What if I use the word 'rubes' to win at a word game, similar to but legally distinct from Scrabble? Should I be proud or ashamed? This doesn't make me a clyde, does it?
There is no shame in having a solid command of the English language, especially in regards to using degrading epithets in order to win at word games that are similar to but legally distinct from Scrabble, a registered trademark of Hasbro, Inc, a wholesome and family-oriented purveyor of delightful games and toys for the whole family who I imagine would sue you into next week if they found out you were infringing on their patents by playing some knock-off version of one of their products.
Since you obviously have a keen interest in the grand, time-honored tradition of the use of belittling terms such as rubes and clydes, you may want to look into one of the many scholarly journals devoted to the subject, the most noteworthy being The Quarterly Guide For Gentlemen Of High Distinction To Words With Which To Insult People Who Do Not Happen To Be Wealthy And White.
The Guide, as it has long been known in the Degrading Epithet Community, was founded in 1879 by oligarchs of the then burgeoning tar and feather industry, Clyde and Rube Johnson, in order to boost sales and provides in-depth, well-researched information and advice on the latest in derogatory language. As a side note, although The Guide has been quite successful in its field, it did assist in the untimely deaths of the unfortunately named Johnson brothers, who, after being introduced at a Guide-sponsored convention as the great Clyde and Rube, were immediately killed with their own tar and feather products by the enraged and ignorant throng.
To answer your question as to whether using the word rube to win a word game make you a clyde, it most certainly does not. However, being sued by Hasbro for playing a game in violation of their copyright would. To avoid this fate, I recommend playing only one of the many fine word games such as Skrbbl that are produced in Eastern Europe , as these games avoid running afoul of comparisons to Scrabble by not using any vowels.
Keep those questions coming in, folks! I can’t provide advice if you don’t display the lack of good judgment to come to me for help!
Also, if you have nothing better to do, be sure to check out basicinstructions, the funniest comic strip in any of the known universes!
Until next time, may the Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.
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