Greetings, and welcome to another installment of Asking The Wrong Guy!
Be sure to send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org! Remember, all of the questions appearing in this column are written by actual, highly-valued readers just like you! The only difference is that they have made the bold decision to compound their problems by asking me for help.
And now, on to today’s questions.
I have been experiencing great difficulty in falling asleep. This problem has continued for well over an entire week. What drugs, therapies, or home-grown remedies do you recommend?
In these hectic and stressful times, insomnia is a problem that is all too common. With the many problems in life that can beset one, many of us lie awake at night worrying about what dire events may be in our future. Luckily, this is a problem that implies its own solution: if one cannot sleep due to worrying about the various problems in life, simply resolve all of life’s problems before trying to sleep.
Preparation in this sort of thing is key. Before going to bed, be sure to take a relaxing bath, adjust your lighting to a soothing setting, make sure that your bed is comfortable, and focus on your breathing until you achieve a state of total calm and relaxation. Once you are completely at peace, then and only then, proceed to lie there staring at the ceiling and focus on each and every problem in your life, letting one horrible thought cascade into another until you are drowning in the cold, clammy sweat of someone who is ready to get things done.
For each problem in your life, run every potential scenario through your mind over and over again, being sure to include all possible tangents no matter how unlikely or ridiculous, until the whole thing becomes a blur of swirling, undifferentiated anxiety. Crippling yourself with emotional gridlock is essential to this process, as only by utilizing the focus provided by blind panic and exhaustion will you be able to make the sound decisions that will allow you to put your life in complete order.
If you find that repetitive thoughts and debilitating worry are not proving to be sufficient, call friends, or, even better, those that you believe have done you wrong, and have long, intractable, weepy conversations about events from long ago that have been forgotten by everyone but yourself until either you and your acquaintances come to terms with the past or until they hang up on you and block your number.
Repeat these simple steps until all your problems are resolved or until, more likely, you become completely psychotic. Then fall asleep, surrendering to the pitiful dreamworld of the damned.
As an alternative, you could try at bedtime doing the whole getting relaxed thing and then putting your problems aside to tackle anew once you have rested and are in a better frame of mind, not that I have ever been able to implement this strategy in order to test its effectiveness.
Are you really the Emperor Of The Moon? If so, how do I go about joining you? PS: I think I can take Rocket Hat…
Am I the Emperor Of The Moon? Why, nothing could be farther from the truth! While the Emperor Of The Moon, whose nefarious adventures are detailed in the webcomic Basic Instructions, is a savage and callous despot who is prone to brutal and regular beatings at the hands of our hero, Rocket Hat, I am nothing more than a simple, country, online humorist, although I am also prone to brutal and regular beatings, mine coming at the hands of life.
As for becoming a member of the Emperor Of The Moon’s loyal army, the process is rather simple and straightforward: first, get yourself to the moon. Then, after having filled out the long and extremely obtuse RJ-17 form (again, as detailed in Basic Instructions), one merely needs to demonstrate proficiency at standing aside and allowing Rocket Hat to pummel the Emperor.
Strangely, the process for becoming one of my friends or acquaintances is remarkably similar, the only requirement being, aside from completion of the long and extremely obtuse RJ-17 form, a proficiency at standing aside and allowing me to be pummeled by life. It is also recommended by certain individuals that to be my friend one must document my humiliations and embarrassments in an online webcomic, say, of the sort like Basic Instructions.
Keep those questions coming in, folks! I can’t provide advice if you don’t display the lack of good judgment to come to me for help!
Also, if you have nothing better to do, be sure to check out basicinstructions, the funniest comic strip in any of the known universes!
Until next time, may the Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.
As always, please direct all desperate cries for help to email@example.com