Apply Liberally To The Face And Neck.

Greetings, and welcome to another installment of Asking The Wrong Guy!

I'm having a crisis of faith.  If the Great Cosmic Shoe is all-wise, how does one explain the existence of Justin Bieber?  

--Bill

For readers new to this column who may not be familiar with my metaphysical theories, the Great Cosmic Shoe is, as its name implies, a giant shoe perched on the edge of space waiting to crush us all at any moment (see my columns from July 9th and July 16th, 2013 for a full explanation of the Shoe in all its glory). In addition to having a nice, Old Testament feel to it, including arbitrary retribution coming out of nowhere for no apparent reason from an insane and capricious god, the sort of crazy-person behavior that would make Job feel he was having a good day of it, this belief system also has the distinct advantage of having no upside: one is going to be crushed by the Great Cosmic Shoe no matter what one does, so there is no point in worrying about the larger questions of life such as the meaning of existence or did one leave the stove on.

To answer your question, although the Shoe is all-powerful in the sense that it is quite big (ancient scholars have described its size as being over a bazillion cubits in length, although there is much discussion as to how much a bazillion really is as well as to the actual size of a cubit) and is capable of decimating an entire planet, all the while keeping its enormous laces immaculately tied, no one ever said the Shoe is all-wise. In fact, since the whole point of its existence is merely to crush everything in sight, it is doubtful that there is any underlying intelligence at all going on here. To paraphrase the Incredible Hulk, Shoe must smash.

Taking that into consideration, it is believed that lightweight celebrities, A list, Z list, or otherwise, such as Justin Bieber exist mainly to provide a nice target.

I just bought a used bike so cheaply that I assume something is wrong with it. What's the best strategy for WD-40 distribution? (On the bike-not through the geographic region.)

--Shmuel

I congratulate you on your lucky find regarding a great deal on a bicycle. I myself use a bicycle as my primary form of transportation, and, in fact, do not even own a car. There are many advantages to the bicycle: it is good for the environment, good for the pocketbook, and keeps one in great shape. The only drawback I can find to replacing one’s car with a bike is that it is not what sociologists refer to as being Impressive To The Ladies. Even if one owns a tandem bicycle, rolling up to pick up a date for an elegant dinner party with only two wheels underneath oneself can be a bit of a letdown for her if she is expecting the customary four. In addition, ball gowns tend to get caught in the chain, and I have found that women, for the most part,  prefer not to show up at posh and refined events in a torn and mangled dress covered in grease.

If you feel you must interact with the opposite sex and use a bicycle for transportation, probably the best bet is to become an insufferable, tattooed, nuts-and-berries, back-to-the-land sort of poser and hope you can attract a woman of the hipster-lunatic variety. However, if you are at a point in life where you are asking me for advice, the probability of you ever getting a date is most likely beside the point.

As for your concern that the bike was priced so cheaply that there may be something wrong with it, fear not: bicycles are wondrous creations of engineering simplicity, and a cursory inspection of the bike will assuage your anxiety. Does the bike have two wheels? If so, you are good to go. If, upon examination, you find that your bike has only one wheel, please resubmit your question as “I have recently purchased a unicycle and need advice as to how to join a circus.”

To get to your question regarding lubrication, I have never been one to go overboard with the finely-detailed points of routine maintenance regarding bicycles or any other facet of life for that matter, preferring to let the forces of entropy take care of things for me. Not concerning oneself with all the minor trivialities that can consume one’s day frees up incredible amounts of time, time that can be used to craft the cardboard sign one will eventually be holding up while standing with on the corner if one takes my approach.

However, if you feel you must perform some sort of lubrication of your bike, I recommend applying a thin, even coat over everything, as you’re no bike mechanic and you don’t want to miss anything. In addition to cutting down on wind resistance, making your bike a sloppy, frictionless mess will aid in quick dismounts in the event of an emergency, even if the emergency is caused by your bike being a sloppy, frictionless mess.

Finally, be sure to apply WD-40 liberally to the face and neck as I am told some hipster-lunatic females like the smell. Happy cycling!

Keep those questions coming in, folks! I can’t provide advice if you don’t display the lack of good judgment to come to me for help!

Also, if you have nothing better to do, be sure to check out basicinstructions.net, the funniest comic strip in any of the known universes!

Until next time, may the Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.

As always, please direct all desperate cries for help to askingthewrongguy@gmail.com