The Great Cosmic Shoe Is Inducted Into The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.

 

Greetings, and welcome to another installment of Asking The Wrong Guy!

What is your opinion of the newly announced nominees for the 2014 induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

--Devin

Aside from voting for government leaders and taking an active part in the governmental processes of one’s respective nation, there is no higher civic duty than deciding which pampered, over-indulged, narcissistic cretins who managed to stumble onto a few nice chords and some simple, nursery-rhyme-like lyrics should be given yet more accolades by being admitted into a self-congratulatory institution like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So important  and vital is this moral obligation that this year the voting process has been extended to include not only the courting of musicians, historians, and music industry executives (or, as they are more commonly known, bastards), but will also involve ballots being inserted into UNICEF care packages destined for impoverished nations as well as voter guides being air-dropped World-War-Two-style into areas lacking easy access to the internet, roads, or fan magazines.

Personally, as these are awards for show business figures, nominees this year including Peter Gabriel, LL Cool J, Linda Ronstadt, Cat Stevens, Kiss, and the Zombies, I don’t feel that the determination of inductees by mere voting is really appropriate, as it does not provide the suitable flair one would expect for such an affair. It is my opinion that the determination of who should be inducted should be decided by hand-to-hand combat by the surviving members of the respective groups, the winners being determined by fighting until either all other groups are dead or have given up and decided to appear on public television reunion shows.  

While this method may give an advantage to the younger nominees in terms of sheer physical strength, the older groups from the 1960’s have probably ingested over their lifetimes enough drugs to bestow upon them the powers of the undead which might make them much more difficult to defeat (The Zombies have an obvious advantage here).

All that said, my votes go to The Paul Butterfield Blues Band, The Meters, NIrvana, and Link Wray. I realize that many people might vote for Kiss, but, let’s face it, Kiss is really horrible, couldn’t rock their way out of a paper bag, and would be defeated handily in a fist fight with LL Cool J or even Linda Ronstadt or Cat Stevens if they were at their fighting weight.

Who wears the Cosmic Shoe? Is it God? Father Time? Zordon, the inter-dimensional floating wizard head from Power Rangers?

--Peter

Your question is one that has perplexed theologians as well as people with way too much time on their hands in general for generations and was perhaps most succinctly expressed by Alan Moore when he asked “Who watches The Watchmen?”. Although, if my knowledge of pop culture is to be trusted, I believe he was referring specifically to clocks and timepieces and not to footwear.

Is there a guiding hand, or, rather, foot, behind The Great Cosmic Shoe? This very question was put to IBM’s Deep Blue computer in the 1990’s. A team of computer scientists, philosophers, and what researchers refer to as Assorted Crackpots fed every bit of available information on the subject into the giant computer, and, after days of computation, Deep Blue concluded that The Great Cosmic Shoe did, indeed, have a wearer, and that that wearer was some guy named Larry. This answer was considered ridiculous even by Great Cosmic Shoe standards and resulted in an organizational shakeup at IBM which caused them, for a time, to rethink the whole computer business and consider going back to focusing the company’s efforts on making electric typewriters.

Does The Shoe have a wearer? Is there an all-encompassing intelligence with grand designs behind its actions? Is it but the giant and unstoppable instrument of a larger, more confounding and unimaginable truth? Or, is it an entity in itself, a giant, self-supporting and eternal engine of destruction, a final, resounding, meaningless declarative yelp at the end of the Book of LIfe?  It may be that it is a Jungian, collective unconscious manifestation of humankind’s  existential anxiety, a projected symbol of the fear and futility of living. On the other hand, it may be a stupid, comic-book-like fantasy created on a lark by an online humorous advice columnist. We may never know for sure.

In the end, perhaps the Rolling Stones put it best in their song “Sympathy For The Devil”, in which they sing, and I paraphrase, “Who wears The Shoe? Well, after all, it was you and me.” On second thought, strike that. That song has nothing to do with The Great Cosmic Shoe. I don’t know what I was thinking. And, after a little more thought, I don’t think The Watchmen has anything to do with The Shoe, either, although it is a quite fine graphic novel and highly recommended reading, especially after having slogged through this answer to Peter’s question which seems to have gone a bit off the rails. May The Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.

Keep those questions coming in, folks! I can’t provide advice if you don’t display the lack of good judgment to come to me for help!

Also, if you have nothing better to do, be sure to check out basicinstructions, the funniest comic strip in any of the known universes!

Until next time, may the Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.

As always, please direct all desperate cries for help to askingthewrongguy@gmail.com