Greetings, and welcome to another installment of Asking The Wrong Guy!
Well, my daughter, The Evil Genius, is coming home from college this week to visit for a few days, and so, in between crafting advice for my valued readers, I have been busy de-bachelorizing my house. It is amazing when a home is inhabited only by one middle-aged man and two dogs how much day-to-day house cleaning turns out to be optional. However, after a day involving the use of various industrial-grade cleansers, a wet vac, and a large rake, I am confident that the housing authority will once again sign off on my home and its renewed suitability to be inhabited by normal, right thinking humans. As well as dogs.
And now, on to your questions.
My wife and I both order from the same Amazon.com account. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult to hide the gifts I buy for camgirls. Should I open a new account under an assumed name?
Well, if you don’t open a separate account for the purpose of purchasing items for your camgirls, and I assume you are providing them essential necessities of life like food and savings bonds and not frilly underthings and sex toys comically shaped liked various ignomious heads of state, I, unfortunately, cannot think of a solution to your problem that does not involve blunt head trauma on somebody’s part.
If your wife doesn’t experience a sudden drop in IQ due to those heavy books that happened to be put way too high up on the shelf, almost as if someone put them there with desperate, nefarious intent, falling on her noggin, she’s bound to notice that a fair amount of warm, sensible clothing and nutritious food items, or, alternatively, lubricants, chocolates, and horribly degrading, outlandishly oversized implements of perverse sexual activity normally reserved for wholesome use between committed, loving couples, are not lying around your house but, rather, ending up in Eastern Europe.
Perhaps your best gambit is to explain to your wife that these items are not being purchased in return for attractive young women prancing about online in order to provide you a few fleeting moments of bestial pleasure so that you may, albeit briefly, be distracted from the fact that you are growing older and less virile with each passing second and that your wife has long since lost interest in you as she has realized that you are not a dashing and handsome earthbound god but instead a garden-variety pathetic loser with a paunch and a model train collection in the basement who wouldn’t know how to find her g-spot given a map, a three-part DVD tutorial, and constant and explicit verbal instructions administered through a bullhorn, but, rather, are being sent to these women as there is currently a dire shortage in the Eastern European nations of crotchless underpants and all manner of things that vibrate.
If that doesn’t work, I see no other way out other than applying a shovel to the back of your head and hoping for the best. That will probably make your wife feel better as well as take your newly-limited mind off the camgirls.
I'm clearly asking the wrong guy, because my question is for Deuce (to whom you recommended Bizarre Feats of Strength). Why is he bringing both his wife and girlfriend on the same trip?
I wondered the same thing and considered altering the wording of his question but then decided, no, he wrote what he meant, and I should just leave it as is. Since he was traveling to San Francisco, I can only assume that he subscribes to a level of hipness of which we mere regular-type mortals can only dream. It would seem to complicate the flight seating arrangements, though. After giving it a little thought, Deuce may also benefit from the shovel-to-the-head advice given in the previous question.
Keep those questions coming in, folks! I can’t provide advice if you don’t display the lack of good judgment to come to me for help!
Also, if you have nothing better to do, be sure to check out basicinstructions, the funniest comic strip in any of the known universes!
Until next time, may the Great Cosmic Shoe crush us all.
As always, please direct all desperate cries for help to firstname.lastname@example.org